Oh, I wish I could describe some of this. Dreadful. I've no idea what this is, this incredible condition with my chest bursting and my stomach heaving. I'm hardly conscious at all, I've no idea what this is, happening to me right now.

I met the , the true, abstract , and couldn't let go of it. I couldn't get rid of it and though I had to leave it, it's still here with me. I've just seen it for a moment beside my mat, but even when I can't see it, I do feel it. I can feel it's here.

I don't know what'll happen. I don't know. What will happen? I've no idea what to do. There is something, something is incredibly there, something that's distressed me. But maybe this expression is senseless. This is much more than simple distress. What then? I whish I knew!

If the encounter was so good, why is it so terrible now? I left it there and brought it along at the same time. The experience at least. And that's good! Very good! But what now? I have the experience, a very good experience, and there's nothing to do with it. Dreadful. Can't sleep. I grow tired and this is terrible. Well done, now everything will go wrong again, is it? But why? Why the hell did it have to happen? Must be a reason! There need be a reason, for nothing is without a reason in the world. I whish I knew!

I feel so ashamed, but now this was serious. I didn't cry, but I flipped out. Completely. Tashi says the return wasn't OK; the problem was I couldn't bring it along on the way back. I don't think so. Of course this was the problem back there, that's why I lingered, not wanting to return, and it was obvious that I couldn't bring it with me. And that didn't surprise me. It's not the failure to bring it along that despairs me, because it's impossible to. I know it's impossible, but as much as it isn't, I brought it with me. Maybe too much. Maybe it's too much here with me. Maybe too much of it is still inside me, and that's what distresses me.

Oh, what now? No idea. I keep repeating this, and can't sleep. I feel I'll never sleep again. Yet, I'm tired, ever more tired. Now I'm all right, but what later?

It was an unbelievable feeling. I still can't describe it. As if all my connection to customary things had broken. I've no idea what will happen now. It's unthinkable that I come home and start living my practical life. The first problem was that I had no idea where to come home. Then, how I was going to eat, for instance. How to eat?

And meanwhile, we never left the room. Everything was there, happened there, came there. There was no big adventure with sea and vault and void, and spatial objects condensing in the void. I went on grand, beautiful and exciting trips on earlier sittings. And that wretched thing we wanted so much to find was there in the room. All along. I was sitting in the chair; no need to stand up, for everything came up to me. That is, only that little thingy came. And was there. And nothing mattered from then on. Though we kept trying. Tashi also kept trying to make something happen, but no. She didn't know then that this (!) is what was important. At first I had thought that the would lead me somewhere to find that oh-so-desired something. But no. There was no need to go anywhere else, there wasn't anywhere, neither where we were, nor where we would have gone. One moment it said 'give me your hand, let's go', but even that was just for a moment. We may well have gone, but there was nowhere. That was becoming clearer by the minute.

Then Tashi kept trying to make us go. She still believed we had to go. But we didn't. OK, then let's see if we still have that part to which we departed last time, and from where the dragged us back. We still had it. The spot was still there but by then it was clear that there hadn't been anything, or at least it didn't matter. We may have departed for a walk similar to previous ones, but it made no sense. We had had a walk and the present one wouldn't have made more sense. Staying, though, did seem worthwhile. It was good. Good to be with the . I couldn't even let go of it. My hands clung to it. I couldn't let go. Hmm. My hands were glued to it. If it was at a distance, my hands stretched so long as to reach it. Wow, how interesting to recall. Nausea getting stronger. Enough of this for now.

Yes, enough of this. Let's see the coming out part, maybe that'll help me come out better now. Well, it wasn't easy, for I couldn't leave it there, didn't want to, and I was really scared of what came next. And maybe this same fright has come over me now, causing my distress. I couldn't imagine it not being. Being without it. But then it was still in my lap, in my hands. It kept moving around, but somehow it was always there, very close, and seemed to be touching me. And I kept my hands on it and couldn't let go. Of course I never wanted to. But then I had to. I had to. I had to come out, because I couldn't stay there. Yeah, I couldn't stay in that chair forever. And surprisingly even to me, there was no problem coming out. I came out easily, or at least I thought so. But maybe not. Or not enough, not completely. Don't know.

Well done, to heck with it. I had been so well before. And since last night, since the premonition of the big moment came over me, I've been even better. It was an unbelievable euphoria. Amazing. Hmm, that was good all right. And now the terror. Maybe I should just get some rest, but I seem to have no odds. No sleep for this baby soon! But then what? Sit here and.

Of course when I got home I was exhausted. I tried to write, got tired soon. Went to bed, because I was exhausted, and then started up from a nightmare with great shouting. And now I'm sitting here, not knowing what to expect.

I'm here now, lame as if beaten to pulp, and...

I feel the miracle will happen to me today. I'm sure. I methodically keep pursuing myself into a certain state. The feeling is surging inside me. I can't decide whether I'm making it up, or something fantastic really is happening. Thousands of signs are gathering, to prove that something is happening that will make today the most important day in my life. A long process is at its climax to change everything.

I've been preparing mentally and physically for two days. I've been working myself up and doing the same to Tashi. I know I shouldn't have been so pushy and text her. I'm a bit ashamed. But I'm beside myself with excitement.

I'm aware of every detail as a result of my excitement and determination. I try causing every detail to have a favourable effect on the events. Many things work out well, so I don't have a hard time seeing positive signs.

I have a little row with old bags in the stairway, but even this fails to wear me down. I manage a simple reply to their suspicious attack and feel that I left the problem behind all right.

I arrive at Tashi's. Everything seems planned and stable. We talk, trying to arrange things around us, getting used to each other's company. I put down my bag, taking out what I've brought and ask Tashi about turning on the camera today. She resists. I need to accept. I agree with her reasoning, and I feel that I can by no means force this thing. But meanwhile I can't rid myself of the thought (and I tell her this) of how great a material we would possess now, had we filmed the previous occasions.

We talk. This is not work yet. Just conversation. We mention earlier occasions, though, and what we'll do today. I'm trying to assume the determined look of a racer. I mention the signs (not actual ones, just in general), which all tell about the special nature of today. I talk about how excited I am, and I actually am terribly excited. All this is description and suggestion at the same time. I try depicting the situation as accurately as I can, while asking her whether it was me doing the whole thing to myself, or there really is a thing . She gives no clear-cut answer, but complains about being tired. This scares me for a moment, but I also feel that this can't change anything today, that this can't get in the way.

We should begin soon, but first we go out to the balcony, and Tashi smokes a cigarette. Just a few minutes, we don't want to stall. We talk. About the most neutral things. The balcony faces a car park and some trees. Peaceful neighbourhood. Yes. Nice neighbourhood, says one of us. And this evolves into a long and unbelievable story. After the unfolding of a fantastic story with common friends and places, we return speechless to the room. I've no idea what to think. Suddenly I feel weakened by the shock, which diverts my attention from my determination. This feeling must stop.

I don't see serenity on Tashi's face, but maybe just because she's more practiced and doesn't overact such situations. In any case, we agree (and this is an important phase) that the story has endowed the location and the situation with a special role. I've been coming here for two weeks, this is the seventh time, and so far nothing informed me about the importance of the location. Now it's become important, together with the persons connected to the apartment and the objects in it. I'm still dumbfounded, but we have to start working.

I realize that the marches I've done so far in hypnotic state are far from compulsory. This might have been a misunderstanding, one of many, perhaps incidental, but it's going somewhere that's been important for me. Always moving on to encounter new things. A dropped half-sentence makes me realize it needn't be like this. One can stay, too. Interesting. And the room has already become interesting for two reasons. One is its history. The other is the little , which we left here on the second occasion. Tashi and I have already decided last time that it'd be most exciting to pursue the and the things it is hiding. We didn't think then that this would be the final sitting, making it all the more important. And that story has only intensified this.

So the little is here in the room. We know it is and we know where we left it last time. Somewhere behind that shelf. And the is very important! It's triggered such intense emotions that give it a special role. Makes me curious and excited. It sure interests me a lot.

The present question should thus be related to the suspicion. What is there? What was that the little didn't let me approach last time? What? Most interesting. So far we could freely walk around, things happened without bounds, and everything could be experienced freely. But here, an untrespassable boundary was created. There came this little and said no. Can't go there. It drew my attention to itself, not letting go. I know there was something there, but we can't go there, I suspected that something is hidden there, and all the protest made me conclude it was something important. So, now, we should check out what it might be.

I tell Tashi that I think the thing we're doing all this for must be there. Perhaps not the enemy, and definitely not something concrete, but it sure is very important, and if we can find and observe it, we shall know what it is and why so important.

Let's depart from here today. No need to go to the cellar or find symbols anymore to be able to get distanced. We're here in the room, the is here too, and our task is to lure it out. It'll work. I know it's here, and I remember exactly where it disappeared last time. It should still be there. Behind the shelf. Not on the shelf, not on the floor, but thereabouts. We'll find it.

It never actually got lost; we just didn't see it anymore. It must've stayed there, and it should come out. If I believe this much in the markedness of this day, there should be no hindrance. It's there and I bring it out. Let's see if it still objects to going the other way? Will it still take pains to draw my attention away, or perhaps the time is right for checking out what there is?

The goal of today's attempt should definitely be finding out what really is there. Tashi and I easily agree on this. I sense incertitude on her face, but it may be that tiredness she mentioned. I convince her that certainly this is the goal. Something must be there, or if not, its absence is at least as important as if we'd found something interesting.

Something must be there. Or if not, we must notice its absence. We just need to draw clever conclusions. There are three possibilities: 1. Either that thing is there and we finally find what we've been looking for, hooray. 2. There is nothing there, and all conclusions must be drawn from this fact. For all has to happen today. Today's the day for shedding light on everything. Of course, only existing things can come to light. So, if nothing's found, we conclude that there's nothing. 3. We find something completely different. No idea what, but there may be unexpected things there. Perhaps we'll know it's not what we've been looking for. But it's there, and finding it will render it extremely interesting for us.

We begin. I'm watching the point. I can't spoil it now, mustn't spoil anything now. Tashi neither. Perhaps now we both know where we're heading and that we mustn't fail. I'm watching the point, and at once I'm aware of today's importance and begin to relax. I mustn't mess it up, so I intensely concentrate on Tashi's instructions. I mustn't rush forward as last time. Mustn't be impatient. No need to hurry. If it takes time, it takes time. Even Tashi should be understanding. I'm sorry, but it's very important to let myself go completely. I don't know whether hypnotic states can differ in terms of depth. I've no idea whether I can mess this up now. I concentrate and keep calm. No need to rush. I'm aware that my excitement makes it a little harder. I'm a bloody fool if I mess the whole thing up with this darn determination. But ignorance wouldn't make it better, either. Can one be unwilling out of will?

Alright, let's say I'm relaxed. Let's say my eyes are closed and I didn't close them by willpower. OK, I'm here in the room, no cellar, no void of condensed forcefields. Only the room. I hear Tashi speak a bit differently now, but this is part of the agreement. The armchair. I'm in the armchair. No cellar and no abstraction. Armchair, and that's it, Tashi is also saying this. Let's say I'm easy, I'm not sure, is this hypnotic state then? So far I've controlled myself by checking if I could believe what I saw. And whether I could move around in it. But now I don't have to move or imagine things. I'm just sitting here in the armchair, the one I'm sitting in anyway. Whatever. Let's assume that everything is OK, and let's see the little .

Tashi asks how I am. Always starts with this. A bit annoying, for it seems urging. And it's so hard to open my mouth. It only seems good for disturbing the laborious relaxation. I'm all right, I mumble. I know the following words will be easier said. O, we've a lot of experience. Tashi is inquiring about the . Sure, this is what we agreed on.

Then let's try to locate it. Yes, it's there. It really is where we left it. Wow, this is fantastic! All right, I knew it'd be found. Thanks.

I don't exactly see its form yet, but can feel its presence. As if it had a cornet-shaped outgrowth from which it wanted to emerge. So there it is. It still exists, was present during the last days. Waiting there for our encounter. Comforting. Let's see what now. I wish it came forth, but I don't know how to make it happen. Oh, it's coming already. Just crawls out. Shiny and small. Like it was the last time, but not exactly. Actually, its appearance is irrelevant. It's here, and still very friendly. Rising and growing. Doing what I wished it to, of its own will. It's coming forth, but doesn't care for me yet. It's rising in a nice, gentle arch. I compare it to the rising Sun, and tell Tashi, so that she can imagine it. Once more I'm ashamed of talking commonplace. Nothing to do about that. It's rising and growing, towards the centre of the room. Then towards me. Closer. How good. Feels very good. It's really close to me now, in my lap. Very gentle. Can't tell why, but I it seems very gentle, and its nearness fills me with happiness.

A strange and pleasant feeling at once. I'm not sure I can see what exactly it's like. The feeling seems more important. For some reason it seems very friendly. Gentle. As if it started to play tricks on me. Moving. It's moving around before me. It's jumping about, sometimes tries to jump behind me. Childishly sweet, but not annoying. I watch. I do nothing but observe. It's probably making an effort to arrest my attention. Perhaps that's why all the capering. But I don't bother. It feels good. Soothing. Then it sits in my lap, nestling in. Weightless, but I feel it's here, touching me. My chest.

It's sitting in my lap, and I feel its closeness. I touch it. I put my hands on its surface. I feel no contact, can't say what it's made of, but my hands feel all right resting on it. A spherical surface. My palms touch it. I can move my hands about on it as if caressing, but I can't let go of it any more. I can't let go because I don't want to. It never even occurs to me to release it. It's good to rest my hands on it.

It's sitting in my lap and it's an indescribable feeling. Meanwhile, I hear Tashi's voice, and try explaining all, but my attention is completely arrested by this infinitely pleasant feeling. I try forming sentences, failing to. Only very simple words come to mind. Each one expressing how good this is. Nevertheless, I attempt to describe it to Tashi, so that she can imagine or even experience this immense goodness, but I don't get too far.

It's still in my lap. Still wiggling a little, but very slowly. Not frolicking anymore. It's simply here. I do nothing but keep my hands on it. Sometimes moving them. Then it's like I'm caressing it.

I try to explain the situation to Tashi, but I have difficulties. I can't find the words, and the ones I do say seem to be far from what I feel.

Somehow, all goodness in condensed in this phenomenon, in this togetherness. Now we should stay like this. Now should time be stopped, as they say. Tashi's asking what it's like. Of course I can't exactly tell, for compared to previous ones, now I rather feel than see it. But it's a spherical shape, that's sure, and it seems to have a surface only. Of light, let's say. That's why it's weightless. Just a surface. Nothing inside, just a surface of light. It's not smooth, but how could light be smooth. This surface is all stream and swirl. It forms a regular sphere, but with threads and tentacles on the surface. This, however, is no obstacle to touching it. It wraps around my hands a little. They sink in it a bit, and that feels good.

I try showing the good feeling to Tashi, but I don't know what she can see. She must see how fine we're getting along. Time's passing, it's getting better all the time and I wish to keep up this state. I can barely focus on anything else. Even focusing on Tashi's questions seems difficult. She's very curious though. And I'm all the less curious; nothing else seems to interest me. She's asking whether there's anything else here. I don't know. I'm concentrating on this. Yes, but we should look around. Remember what we've come for. We have to check what's at the place we couldn't visit last time. Let's try. But it's here in my lap. What to do? Let's try anyway. But it blocks my sight. I try asking it to move aside a bit. Not far, just to let me see. It's very considerate, positions itself to let me see. Tashi asks what I see. Nothing. Can't see a thing. I'm sitting here in this room, with the in my lap, and can't see a thing. It's just sat on the back of the armchair to let me see but be near as well. I keep holding on to it. And I can't see a thing. If I strive hard I can conjure the image of an infinite horizon. Maybe there, but all efforts are useless. I focus only on the and keep convincing Tashi that there's nothing apart from it. Well, if we can't separate, we should try together. Let's hold hands and see if there's anything outside us. I reach inside the sphere and grab its hand. It's very pleasant. Let's go. But where? Nowhere to go. It's all the more certain, and I try explaining Tashi, that there's nowhere to go here. I can see the place we wanted to depart to last time, there behind that hillock, but there's nothing there. Nowhere to go. We're here, and here's good. It's good like this. Let's stay more!!!

But if I only feel good like this, and I can't imagine anything else, then what's if there's no more ? Fortunately there is, but what if once there wouldn't be? It sounds horrible. The shows what it would be like if it went pop. It doesn't, it just shows what it'd be like. Unthinkable. Not even bad, because it's so unthinkable. That will not happen. It doesn't go pop, and nothing can happen, because it's here, and has to stay here. Everything has to stay like this, there's no other way. It can't go pop, nothing can happen. Tashi still wants us to look around. Or something. It's nice that I'm content with this, but it's really time for something to happen now. I arrange with the that it sit in the centre of the room a while, to let me focus elsewhere. We agree and it's done. It sits on the floor, shrinks, and makes an effort not to distract my attention for a while. I then try looking around. Nothing. Meanwhile I have an uncontrollable urge to keep my hands on the . My hands have to stretch longer, but it's no trouble. It's in the middle of the room and my right hand's resting on it. I'm not letting go. And so I'm once again focusing on it. I force looking around, but nothing. All right, let's stop this. Come back. There's nothing outside us anyway.

It's sitting in my lap again, I'm showing Tashi its size and where it is. In my lap. Good that it returned. It needn't go. I only feel good when it's sitting here. Tashi asks whether it should stay. Yes! It couldn't be otherwise. But then I realise I'm under hypnosis. Good God, then I'm on the other side, and the is there with me. How can I bring it along? No way. I can't bring it along. Brr. It's horrible. It can't be brought along. Let's stay then. As long as possible. This is good now, and I can't imagine not being like this. And if I can't bring it along, and all this only exists here, then I don't want to leave. I want to stay here with it. I'm not going anywhere.

I can't bring it along. It's terrible. Here's happiness, everything good is here and it has to end because I can't bring it along? It freaks me out. What now? Impossible. Tashi, help. You've got to. You must know what to do. You must. Impossible to bring it along and I can't let go. What now? What's the solution?

Let's try. Let's try what it's like without it. It disappears for a while. Terrible! Despairing! It can't be like this. Fortunately it was only a moment. It's back and I feel good anew. Everything should stay thus. It mustn't disappear.

There must be a solution. We must come up with something; I can't lose this just because I have to come back. How can I bring it along? I know I can't, but there still may be something. Let's pack it up. I'll deflate it to become flat and fold it up. Or take it to pieces to fit in my pocket. And would that work? No, impossible. This is all foolish, it's impossible to bring along. But this must end once, and I can't stay, got to come back, but I can't bring it along. Unbearable. I have to leave it, part with it when I feel it's unbearable to. An impossible possibility. I can't bring it along, but there must be a solution.

The hypnosis must end once. But then I'm completely at a loss as to what with the . Will I lose it here? Will I return and it cease forever? It's unthinkable but must be done. I can't stay longer; it's already been too long. But what about the ? Will I leave it? See it get smaller as last time? Or go pop? Burst and dissolve? Got to go, can't spend more time here, it must happen. And the knows it all right. It knows all I know. Probably more. I think it's not so terrible for it. And in this moment it's vanished. Disappeared. But so beautifully and simply as when mist evaporates or a drop of water dries up. It vanished unnoticed and painless.

And this only means I'm out of hypnosis. No . I'm sitting in the armchair, the same armchair as before, but it's different. No more . The room's here, Tashi's here, I can hear her voice, sensing it differently. Now I can focus on her as well, for no more here. Then I must be out. And it's not so bad. I'm here.

I try to open my eyes. Actually, I just realise they've been closed, because now I should open them. I can't. Hmm, strange. I can't open my eyes. Or rather, I'm afraid to. I tell Tashi everything's all right, I'm out, we may talk, I feel good, only I can't open my eyes. Well, it'd be good. I should open it but I can't. I try. Nope. But why? I'm afraid to. Afraid of something? Afraid of staying alone forever if I do. Then it seems I'm not completely out yet. OK, I'll try to open them. I pull myself together and it'll work. Let's see. I made it for a moment. There's the clock on the wall. Good. It'll work all right. But after a moment they closed back. Easier said then done, they're closed again. Now Tashi's asking me to open them. But I can't. I can't even tell her why. I can't, I don't want to see what surrounds me. I know it's the room, I've been here all along, there was no magic trip today. But I still don't want to see it. That is, I want to, I just can't. I come up with the big idea. At least that's what it seems. I ask Tashi to leave the room. I could look out the window if she left, and how good that'd be! Tashi, please, go out a while! I know it's weird to ask, but it'd be so good. All I can think of is looking out the window. That could help, and if Tashi's away I could go there, and it'd feel so nice. Tashi is saying something that I can't comprehend. Now what? She doesn't want to go out? Oh, for heaven's sake, what? Why isn't she going? She could just go to the kitchen and we'd see. I'd go after her or she'd come back in a few minutes and meet me in the doorway. But she's staying. Now I can hear her say she's staying. I've got to open my eyes. Got to try.

I've opened them. Now then, not to let them close. Good! I'm strong. I'm looking. Clock on wall. And those wretched flowers. I see them, eyes open, everything all right then. Whoa, all that agony with this eye-opening. I'm ashamed. Feels real bad. Tashi must be laughing at this whole misery. What an awkward situation. But she still seems sympathetic. It's taken a lot of pain, but I've opened them. I still feel the uncontrollable urge to close them but I'm afraid to. Then I could start all over. They mustn't close. Got to be strong.

I see the flowers, those dumb flowers and Tashi and I are talking. The Exterminating Angel (Bunuel) comes to mind, and I relate it to Tashi. Maybe it'll describe this terrible feeling with opening my eyes. But what was the problem? One can't tell. All right, we avoid playing with the thought of closing them again. I'm exhausted. I'm sweaty and fatigued, as if coming from don't know where. My palms damp, face greasy, must look horrible. I raise my hands to my face and start rubbing my eyes. My hands stink but the rubbing feels good. Meanwhile I can keep them closed. But this is just rubbing. My head's a mere sludge. My tears, the sweat on my palm, the grease on my face merge into some gross medley. Whatever, this is the slightest problem. Meanwhile, we converse with Tashi. I try telling her about this eye-opening business and wail about how bad I'm feeling. Because the is gone and so good I felt with it. At least my eyes are open.

Tashi and I are talking, she tells me things but I'm lost within. I keep rubbing my eyes, watching the flowers and the clock. And I can't turn my eyes away. In front of me are the clock and the flowers, these I can see ever clearer, but I can't look at Tashi. What the heck? I can't look at Tashi. It sounds very silly, but as I keep trying I feel I can't. One more impossibility. Can't. I tell her this. She asks why? Don't know but I can't.

Alright, but why can't you? Because then you'd see me. What? Then you'd catch sight of me. What a pickle. Catch 22 . We're sitting here and I can't look at Tashi. Terrible. Alright, let's try. No can do. Tashi keeps pushing, that at least I tell her why? Because I can't, and that's it. But really, why? I'm afraid of something. Some piercing. I imagine her glance, and as if a steel needle sprang from her eye, straight towards my eye, penetrating everything. If I looked into her eyes, this dreadful needle came penetrating through my eye into my head, tearing everything apart. Horrible even to imagine. Can't look at her. But I must, for it's another situation that can't stay thus. Trap, trap, trap. How'll it be solved? Tashi, help. Let's do something. Got to get out somehow without looking Tashi in the eye. I must be able to get to the corridor without her looking at me. Yes, it's not impossible. We'll solve it. But Tashi much rather wants me to look at her. Easy to say. And I know it'd be easy if it just weren't impossible.

Let's count to three. Or more. Tashi suggests we should take turns. I say one, she says two, and I say three in the end to open my eyes. OK with me, but we should start backwards from 2000. That wins me some time and something must happen meanwhile. Some miracle to solve this impossibility. What a situation, really awkward, can't help it. I don't know what to do. We can't stay like this, and I have no idea what now. I'm ashamed once more, very awkward. Tashi, help, please. We're stuck here without a solution.

I remember the water and drink a bit. This seems a good idea. I can see all right, just can't look at Tashi. So drinking should work. Let's try. I snap my glance at the glass. Got it. I had to pass my glance through Tashi somehow. Success. Got the water, but the situation isn't solved. I managed to abolish that part of the space where Tashi's sitting. Somehow that part's inexistent now. I cancelled it. Reality there lacks a piece of Tashi and her aura's volume. Horrible to think. But at least I reached the water. Warm and stale but I drank at least.

I pull myself together. Got to try at last. I count to three, though alone now, but this should work. Got to look at her. I know. Of course I know I've got to look at her, I'm not an idiot, but I can't. Never felt anything of the sort before. If it wasn't happening to me, I'd say big deal! I'm already laughing at it, struggling, but I can't. OK, let's count to three. Of course, if it were so easy, we wouldn't need to count. It's not working. If it's not working, there's nothing we can do. Then even counting is useless. But still. OK, but let's wait a while. Got to look, no option. Waiting doesn't help. It's got to work. Better get it over with, no point stalling longer. Oh dear! What now? No, no, and triple no! Nope, can't.

Alright, I'll clench my teeth; I can't make such a ridicule of myself. Here, such a simple thing. Can be done anytime. One, two, three. Like with little children. I look into her eyes, but not in reality. Fortunately her eyes are soft and brown, while I was afraid of some sharp pierce. Nothing's piercing now. Luckily. I don't know what'd happen if it even pierced. If, let's say, Tashi had light grey eyes with a tiny iris? I'm lucky in this, too. But this alone doesn't mean a thing. For I'm looking and not looking at the same time. Good that I can finally do it. Perhaps we're over it now? But it's so pleasant in the meantime to draw my eyes away. Then I close them again and wish I never had to reopen them. But I have to. Still can't stay like this. It's easier, I'm more practiced. I open them; they're open, but the situation is the same. There I am, eyes open. Not sure. I'm composed and distraught at once. I'm trembling, rubbing my eyes. Tashi thinks I'm crying, but I'm definitely not crying any more. Just rubbing my sludgy head ever stronger.

Then we talk. We might say it's solved, but I'm not convinced. The situation isn't reassuring. We're in a hurry now, but we devote a few words to what's just happened, what the heck this is. I'm washed out. Trembling. Every bit of my body's trembling. We talk and analyse but I keep whining. At once I'm here and somewhere else, at a loss what'll happen.

Meanwhile, Tashi utters the key sentence. If I could just comprehend, then. But then I don't really hear it yet. I'm zonked! No comprehension here, I can only focus on getting out of here. What now? No idea of what next. I merely exist. Perhaps everything was for this moment, everything is given sense by this sentence, all of it passing me unnoticed. Weeks' work interpreted in a single brilliant sentence that appears a mere echo to me.

I get up to leave. Alright. Got to go. We schedule an appointment with Tashi; it's not easy, but everything's OK. Then the bike; I don't fall, pedal slowly, no problem. Everything starts working fine; I'm cycling very slowly, gear up and let it roll. Then I remember I have to shoot the pictures and the video. I search for a site. This is perhaps the first good feeling. I want this now, feel the power, I can do it. It's done. I go on. But where? No idea! Nowhere to go? Good God! What now? Where can I go, what'll happen to me?

I continue after getting some sleep.

As if nothing's changed. The nausea and this strange feeling linger. I thought I might start evaluating the events, maybe that helps. To try to make out and sum up all that happened on the initial attempts. For there is, there must be some relation, even if the final chapter of the story makes it difficult to be regarded as a continuous line of events. Something accelerated on the last occasions, and started heading to a very definite direction. The earlier uncertainty of what'd happen completely changed in me. Of course I didn't know until the last moment what'd really come out of it, but I felt there'd be something. Already then I told Tashi that no matter what happened, it'd have great significance. Somehow I felt very positive about this and apparently I wasn't mistaken. Perhaps I read too much into it, but in any case, this present has become so real that I've no idea how to get rid of it. It's good and bad at the same time but I really want to get rid of it, because it makes me suffer. But in the meantime I feel that the process couldn't have been more successful.

We meant different of course, or rather, God knows what we intended. We meant something with the enemy, but maybe we were too concrete. I knew from the first moment that there was no chance I'd catch sight of my enemy popping up from behind a tree, because perhaps there isn't such a thing, or if there was it wouldn't assume so manifest a form. And the whole quest had started with the assumption that the enemy is somewhere within. And there you are. It's here, I found it. If this thing we found, that we found so very much, if it were the enemy, we couldn't have caught its tail better. So here it is, this thing, but I'm not yet sure what it is. I encountered something unbelievably good. The embodiment of all goodness and desire from all aspects. It's a bit difficult to express because it sounds commonplace, but it was "the " itself. Not even during the encounter did I dare to use this word outright, not even when I'd already known, or thought so, what it was about. I must've kept paraphrasing it for when I finally did utter it, it was so obvious for even Tashi, that I wouldn't have needed to say it at all. Fortunately in hypnosis there's no need to fear from kitsch and commonplace, of the awkwardness of uttering something. Here you must speak everything, then start wondering about why you said what you said. Banal images were characteristic of earlier trips, too. First very concrete, then more abstract, and finally banalities came in the form of emotions instead of images. But it might have to be like this. This is what makes everything useful and interpretable. Perhaps this is how the series of images and emotions is transformed into language. I'm convinced that the process of the abstraction of images had the same significance as the earlier more concrete images themselves. The process itself is a commonplace, but probably this is why it's possible to work with and draw conclusions from.