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Defence against assaults from within
Trip into the Movelessness
The text
The schema
A note
The idea

Does the enemy spring on me? Does a hairy thing dash forth from behind a tree, scaring me to death while I can barely escape? Am I hardly alive yet escaped, my heart thumping, feeling I have just a little time until the next assault?

I'm sweaty and exhausted. If I have a better look, there's nothing behind the tree. Maybe I wish there were. Yes and no. It would make my situation easier. But there isn't a thing. Still, it exists. Sure? Sure! But where? Where to seek?

What is to be done if we are sure of the existence of the unsinkable? Something starts taking shape in the incertitude between finding and not-finding. I call assistance. All along I've known exactly that it wasn't behind the tree, but of course it seemed simpler to imagine it there. Although there is nothing but me behind the tree. I am everywhere. But I can't cope with the fear. I feel the assault. I'm getting more curious. Where can they be assaulting from?

Should I defend myself? How? First I should know what it is and what it wants.

I've got to seek it out. It's hiding well, but I've made sure of its existence. It's near; I can sense its presence. The assaults make it apparent. Determining where the assaults come from and what they're directed at, might shed light on the identity of the assailant.

If I manage to determine that I am on both sides, the situation speaks for itself. But why is it hiding? If it's me there as well, why this weird hiding? Why not come forth? What does it want that it needs to hide for?

Certainly nothing wrong. Nobody ever wants anything wrong. Still, it's as if we never did anything else but defend ourselves. We keep defending. Defending ourselves against evil (while we're convinced about our goodness).

So, I should determine the direction of the assaults. Then everything would come to light. But what do I want to find out? Where the assumed enemy is? - I hate fighting. My strongest desire is not having to fight. But it doesn't seem to work. For without the fight, it's void that surrounds me. Terrible recognition: is it that I need the enemy? Is that why these assaults keep coming? Engendered by my own need? This is mad.

Are enemy and defence sisters? When I made an attempt to describe the enemy and then the force assisting the defence, I had to realise that I was using the same words. Why? Why are enemy and defence defined similarly? Are good and evil sisters? There is some peculiar inclination for metamorphosis among the two. The enemy is inherent in goodness even when it hasn't yet shown its evil side. Perhaps it's so because of their closeness.

The situation might as well be simpler, though. I'm thinking of the tree and the hairy thing. Its existence would simplify everything. Say, it would represent the evil. And I could delude myself with being the good. And I could define myself in the battle with its evilness. That would be clear-cut. But if it's true that it's me behind the tree as well, this whole thing is messed up. How can I incorporate both at once? How can I declare then that I only identify with one of them?

I will never meet my enemy on the corner. If I could, that would mean meeting myself. But I'm not interested in what it looks like, much rather in getting to know it. This is actually the beginning of the fight, for definition is the first phase of combat. But it's not combat we're talking about. Definition of the enemy is possible without combat, too. The enemy doesn't only exist in the battle against it, as the consciously avoided battle also proves its existence.

Wishing for the impossible? Wishing for the Unexperienceable? Inaccessibility? Impossibility, with which we keep struggling? The impossible, which I make myself believe is possible? The enemy is the desire itself that encourages achieving the obviously unachievable. This is indeed a tangible enemy. And the invented external enemy can in fact be very effectively used for concealing it.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.